From End to Beginning

"Everybody asks why I started at the end and worked back to the beginning, the reason is simple, I couldn't understand the beginning until I had reached the end."
~ Astrid (Alison Lohman), White Oleander


I plan on writing everything down this week, everything, and then I'm just going to shelve the book, save it for if I ever write a memoir. I want these thoughts out of my head, gone but not forgotten. I feel part of the reason I'm locked in my head is because I held things in for so long that now I can't express myself. It's probably why I haven't been doing too much artwork, holding my emotions in is stopping my artistic flow. I also feel it's preventing me from my full potential in all aspects of my life.


I wanted this blog to be better, but I'm just too tired tonight, had to be at work at 5a.m. this morning...


~Peaches

Guilty

I don't really know why it's takenme all week to write this blog. Monday my uncle pleaded guilty, to a lesser charge but still, it's over. He will be getting timed served and is never allowed to come in contact with me. The no contact is a comprimise, I wanted Megan's Law but he wouldn't agree to it. My anxiety has just disapeared since Monday. I was so anxious, not knowing if he would acctually plead, not knowing how I'd if he did. I've been going through a mass ammount of emotions lately now that I'm off all medications. I've been depressed and an emotional wreck for so long that I don't know who I am happy and free. I feel happy and blank, I don't know what to chanel my emotions into. I know ovious things would be my art, my wedding, cleaning, but I havn't really been doing anything.

Although next week will be different, Chris was laid off this week. It's acctually a good this, his job wasn't the greatest to him. While he's got nothing else to do, we're going to clean up so he can plug the desktop back in. He's planning on attending an online college, so we want him to have a nice space for it. Since they started cutting back our hours at Kohl's already, I'll have time to do things with him.

I'm sorry if this blog seems off, I'm realy tired but I wanted to post this.

Random quote from 'Mercy' that amused me: "It's healthy for you and the environment." "Yeah, this is Jersey, that ship has pretty much sailed."

~Peaches

I'm Not Dead Yet!

***Title from Monty Python and the Holy Grail***


So as you can probably tell, depression got the best of me, hence the lack of blogging. I learn my birth control was making me depressed, turns out it's common for those who are prone to depression to be depressed on birth control. Most people get put on anti depressants, which explains why when I came off my medication that I started getting more depressed. I find it interesting that statistics say women are more prone to depression than men, but I wonder if they take into account how many of those women are on hormonal birth control. Now my goal is to stop putting chemicals (at least via medications) in my body. I'm through with side effects and I don't want to cover them with medication that will only give me more side effects. I best be on the verge of death before taking medication, and even then I'd be skeptical. The good thing about not being on birth control is that my creativity has come back full force. I've been drawing at least one picture a week, and I'm taking my time, not rushing and ending with poor quality.


I have so much to update, yet my brain wont let me, thanks to retail in the holiday season...


~Peaches

Sick

I haven't been updating because I have a cold, and a couple days ago my cold sprouted an ear infection. I relized today, that when I get sick I use it as an excuse to let my mental issues run wild. I don't eat much when I'm sick, parcially because of nausea, but mostly because it's the perfect excuse not to. I have better control to not eat when I'm sick verses when I'm not. It's too difficult to not eat when I'm healthy, I don't know why though. When I'm sick I always think that it's the perfect time to loose weight. No one really questions your lack of appitite when your sick. The down side of not eating is how weak I feel, so I started eating more tonight. Mostly because I need my strenght for work, and I have a long shift tomorrow. I also need to stop doing this to myself, it's okay that my excuse to stop my bad behavior is work, as long as I continue for myself. I do want to get better, but I also fear getting better. I don't know what better is, I've been this way for so long that being better scares me. I guess that's what holds me back from everything. I need to learn to let go, and not just of myself, but of my emotions. I need to free my head of bad thoughts, i should probably start reading my optimisim book again. I need to start caring for myself again, ironically when I got sick I stopped taking all of my vitamins. You need vitamins the most when your sick, and I gave up. I think I should go back into therapy, but not with my previous therapist. I lost trust in her when she started listening to my mom about lies she was saying about Chris. I don't evem remember what my mom told her, but I do remember my therapist not liking me dating Chris because of it. I worked so much with my previous therapist, but I need someone I can trust. I guess I'll have to start looking into it, with the trial coming up I'm definately going to need one soon.

Well I'm tired, I need sleep before work tomorrow. Good night.
~Peaches

The beauty of life is to experience yourself.

Tonight's title is a quote from my Yogi Detox Tea. I think it's an awesome quote.

So today I did a few minutes of yoga, about fifteen mintues of exercise, and a few minutes of meditation. I've been feeling very icky inside so I bought some detox tea. I've just been eating so much junk lately, I think it's finally taking it's toll. I started to plan a weeks worth of meals, I have more rice milk so this should be easier. I just need to figure out various lunches, and a couple dinners. For the most part my dinners are staying open, just incase we decide on something different. Between my dinners and my last snack, I need to eat the rest of my exchanges for that day, so if I had something other than planned, I would need to change my dinner anyways. It's can get very confusing and frustrating, but I need to do it until I can learn to listen to my body.

Another short entry, I'm tired. Good night.

~Peaches

Short Entry

So I didn't do all the things I said I would today. I just did somethings on the computer and watched television. I felt too tired to do anything, I think it's partically because I haven't been taking all my vitamins. I did price things at Michael's after work, and I changed my mind on the type of bead for the bracelets I'm giving my bridal party. I also started thinking about matching necklaces and earrings. Also about possibly a different charm for each. I didn't see a flower basket I liked, and I completely forgot about looking at a guest book and pen set. Oh well, I still have to check out A.C.Moore.

Short entry as the title states, I'm very tired. Good night.

~Peaches

Self-Esteem

I've been letting my depression get to me again. It's making me lazy and I've stopped caring for myself again. I planned on starting my food exchanges again, and I haven't . I planned on exercising, but I haven't, I haven't even started yoga like I wanted. I stopped reading, which I had fallen back in love with. Out of all the things I haven't done, I did draw this amazing picture. It didn't take too long to make, but my whole heart was in it. Everytime after that I've tried to draw my heart hasn't been completely there, and it shows. I have been doing a lot of wedding related things. Mostly just getting my ideas out. I do need to start focusing back on myself though. I want to be completely satistfied with myself, and have lots of self confidence when I get married. I don't want to have anxieties on my wedding day. I just want to be happy, and relaxed. I think tomorrow I should try my zen painting. It's this board that you paint with just water while meditating, the water aborbs into the board. I think it will help me relax, plus I think I should do atleast ten minutes of yoga and a half hour of exercising. I should also work on planning to start my food exchanges again. I want to plan a weeks worth of meals, with flex room, then shop for the food. This way I'll have what I need before I start, so I don't slack due to lack of foods needed.

So, tomorrow I need to start focusing on myself again, for that I need sleep. Good night.

~Peaches

So work sucked, I thought I lost my bracelet that my grandfather gave me. Turns out I put it on my other arm. Plus some people we're getting on my nerves, as usual.

Chris and I hung out with Rikki and Joe today. We just takled and ate pizza, always a good combo. I got to relize how many people really were crazy from high school. Guess my joke about shutting down the school with all the students in it, and turning into a rehab/mental hospital for a week would've worked...

Rikki had an awesome idea, we're going to make the wedding invites and what not. It will be so much cheaper, and much more fun! She's going to look into flower prices for me, because she's awesome! I found out that the Somerville Elks Lodge caters too, which will probably be cheaper.

Need to sleep. Good night.

~Peaches

I really need to work on title ideas...

I didn't post yesterday because I was tired when I got home last night. I got to cut Rikki's hair, it didn't turn out the way she wanted it though. She wanted a scene cut, I've never done a scene cut befor, she knew this, we just decided to try it. I ultimately started the layers to low, which resulted with a really weird look. We decide to cut up to the shortest layer, and it actually turned out looking awesome. I feel bad that it wasn't what she wanted, but I'm glad she likes it anyways. I also got to give Zoshia her first haircut! It was difficult, but what else do you expect from a thirteen-month-old. We gave her food in hopes that it would desract her, but everytime I went to cut she started moving around. We ended up doing a one-two-three-hold senerio, but atlest her hair is out of her eyes.

Afterwards Chris and I went out to eat with a friend of his. We went to a diner, and ultimately had the worst server. We've been to said diner before and never had a problem. Last night, however, we had an idiot. We asked for tall glasses of water multiple times, as well as for a straw multiple times. We didn't get either untill after our appitizers, because she didn't relize we meant right away. She also almost left the table without taking my order, because she thought Chris ordered for me. We ordered the motzzerella sticks deluxe for our appitizer, which comes with fries and onion rings. Chris wanted seasoned fries, which was a dollar extra, but we never got the onion rings. I ordered a sandwich with a side of fries, because the sandwich didn't come with anything. Somehow I also got cole slaw, which I don't eat. When we got the check Chris also got his food wrapped, which she did right at the table, dropped the fork and left it on the floor. Needless to say, we didn't tip her, and I'm pretty sure she didn't get much from her other tables.

Today Chris and I relaxed mostly. For dinner we went to Rockin' Joe's, a very awesome coffe house. I got my tuna salad sandwich that I have been craving! I really enjoy going there, it's very relaxing and we can end up just talking about so much. On our way home we were discussing what we still need to do for the wedding. Now that we've made changes tht list has become much bigger, so when we got home we wrote it all down. Tomorrow I'm going to show Rikki the list and see if she has more to add, she's practically my wedding planner. This Thursday we're attending this registry workshop at Macy's to see the kinds of things we should ask for. Since we don't have a place yet, and don't think we'll have one before the wedding, we're going to need a decent amount of stuff. We have decided that all monetary gifts will go towards getting our own place. We figure there's a chance of duplicate items, becuse some people may forget to check them off the registry, so duplicate items will be exchanged for things we still need. Beside, it looks like I have money I can save now. I have been paying a $200 bill on top of other bills each month, and i'm pretty sure I paid it off! So that extra money will got towards the wedding and what not, after playing off other bills. As well as getting my class ring (I lost my origonal) and taking my cats to the vet to update their shots. Also towards saving for a car, now that the holiday season is ariving I should be getting more hours.

Speaking of work, I have work tomorrow, so I should get some sleep. Good night.

~Peaches

I actually got some sleep finally!! I randomly woke up at some random hour, I think it was when Chris came to bed. Then I woke up because my cat, Dimond, was annoyingly trying to get in between us. I woke up again when Chris was getting up for work. Then again at 9am to go to the bathroom, I decided to eat my little bag of animal crackers and take my vitamins. Finally I offically woke up at 12pm, so I got more sleep than I have been.

I just relized that I haven't taken my vitamins the other two times I was supposed to today. Not nessacarily bad for the ginko biloba, but bad for the mood support/St. John's Wort. That's like missing doses of perscription anti-depressants, not good. It's weird that I tend to for get things I do everyday, on days I don't work.

I made Rikki cookies today. Tomorrow I get to cut her's and Zoshia's hair. I'm excited because I'm pretty sure it will be Zoshia's first hair cut, which makes me feel special.

I drew today! I'm very proud of it and myself. It looks awesome, I'll be posting it on my DeviantArt account tomorrow when I get home from work.

Well I need to go to sleep now. Good night.

~Peaches

Sleep

So, I am extremely tired, but my brain wont stop running a-mile-a-minute. It's quite annoying. I would like to try meditating to clear my thoughts, however it's actually not good to meditate before you go to sleep. The same goes for yoga. So here I am typing a blog, even though being in front of a bright screen prior to bed is also not good. Atleast I don't have work tomorrow, and my only plans are baking cookies and making a pendant. I do not need to be awake untill 1ish really, but i do need to be up long enough to take my vitamins. I usually wake around 9am no matter what, so I figure I'll have some animal crackers and take my vitamins. Now why wouldn't I just take then when I offically wake up? Well, see the mood support/St. John's Wort and the ginko biloba need to be taken three times a day. There for I need to take them whether or not I actually want to be up so that the doses are spaced.
I am very tired, so I'm going to try and sleep now. Good night.
~Peaches

I didn't post yesterday because I was exhausted when I came home last night. I wanted to nap when I came home but I had a doctor appointment. Now I'm hungry because Chris's mom is cooking and it smells yummy, yet I have no idea what she made.


Chris and I hung out with some friends yesterday after I got out of work. It was fun, I was just extremely tired...


I've been looking up scene haircuts for Rikki, I'm cutting her hair on Friday, as well as Zoshia's bangs.


I was listening to the radio today and heard about an adoption law that's trying to be passed in New Jersey. The law is about letting adopted people, or parents of an adopted minor, get access to their original birth records to find out who their birth parents are. I believe they shouldn't, I mean would you really want to find out you were put up because you were the product of rape, or your mom was a druggie, or that your birth family didn't want you. What if your birth parents don't want to meet you, it was probably hard for them to put you up in the first place. I believe the law should allow access to health records, that should be kept up to date. You should only be able to find your birth parents if they want to meet you. they should put an option in the paper work about whether or not the birth parent would like to come in contact with the child in the future. When I found out that my grandfather adopted my dad I decided I don't really care if I ever meet his birth father, but I would be interested in medical records. Especially once I start having kids. A lot of times people go looking for their birth parents once they get some illness that is genetic/hereditary, if medical records are supplied they wouldn't have to disrupt their birth parents lives.


I know i just kind of stopped, my thoughts are a bit choppy right now. Side effect of tiredness...


~Peaches

Hiking

Today was a very good day! My supervisor was off so I didn't have to deal with her, plus she"s off tomorrow! Chris and I went hiking with Rikki, Joe and Zoshia at Washington Valley Park. We had a lot of fun, with the exception of Zoshia getting cranky. We think it"s because we had to carry her the whole time and she wanted to walk. We hiked for about two hours, it didn't feel that long. Then we hung out at Rikki"s for a little bit. Rikki and I climbed a tree! It was awesome. I'm usually too anxious to do anything like that, but I put my anxieties on the side for Rikki. I"m proud of myself, I really just need to learn to let go. Chris and I are planning on hiking most weekends, until it"s too cold out. We enjoyed it, and it didn't bother his need.


This is just a quick post, because I don't have much to post about but I want to post everyday. I have work tomorrow, then we"re gonna hang out with some friends.
~Peaches

Blank

I've noticed that I've run out of blog titles...


I decided on a list of things I need to start doing:
1. Drawing. I want to complete one drawing a week, and use the whole week to do so. I have a habbit of doing things to quickly and then my work suffers. I'm going to get a friend of mine to give me a drawing task each week and then I will email her the final project and if she feels I didn't put enough effort into it, then she gets to make me do it over.
2. I need to start the food exchanges again, but this time with meal plans. Each week I will plan my meals, and if I don't have what I need then I'll have to go to the store. No excuses this time.
3. Exercise. Not just because I want to be in shape, but because it will help with my mood. I do feel that the mood support mix and St. John's Wort are helping, just not enough. Plus exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy.
4. Get some sun. Not for tanning purposes, but for my mood. Vitamin D helps with depression, but the best way is via sunlight. It absorbs better through your skin then taking it internally. So a 30 minute walk everyday should be perfect.
5. Yoga. I'm honestly not sure why I stopped, I felt really good when I was doing it everyday. Plus I need to try meditating.
6. Daily blogging. I think the more I blog the less I will have constant thoughts running through my head. It's so bad that I can't sleep right now, hence this entry. I have to be at work for 6am, but I can't sleep...
7. Relaxing. I don't know how, but I need to relax everyday, even if it's onlly for 5 minutes.
8. Take care of myself. I really don't do well at taking care of myself, especially not long term. That's really what this list is for, things I need to do to take care of myself. If I take better care of myself then maybe my depression will get better. I know that I am prone to getting depressed for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that, as long as I can get myself out of it. I'm sure that if I can take care of myself when I'm depressed that it will be easier to get better.


Well I'm going to try and sleep, I have work, than hiking tomorrow so sleep would be good.
~Peaches

Sorry for the short post earlier, Chris came home so I stopped. I know I don't need to stop doing things when he comes home, I know he wouldn't have cared if I stayed on longer. I know this is all in my head and I shouldn't do this to myself, I just don't know how to stop. I guess in a way I'm controling what I do, which isn't good because that is an eating disorder behavior.


Speaking of eating disorders, I've been feeling rather self concious about my weight lately. I was contemplating going back to my eating disordered ways. I know that's no good. I gave myself excuses not too, it's probibly the only good time for my excuses. I want to get better and to not worry about these thoughts, and I know it's a process, a long process. I've just always liked fast results, which is part of the attraction to eadting disorders. I hate that bad things are easier...

I'm actually going to break out of my shell tomorrow night and play poker with Chris. Every Thursday he plays poker with friends, I usually go when I have Friday off, but I never play. Well tomorrow I'm gonna play, it'll be a step forward to letting go, a big accomplishment for me.


I'm stopping here, one of my cats is being annoying right now...

~Peaches

So I've realized a couple things recently:
1. I really need a car, I can occupy my time better when I have my own way of getting around. Chris's Dad is home and can drive me places, but I feel bad, he shouldn't have to drive me anywhere.
2. I don't allow myself to do much of anything when people are home. I started to notice this a while ago, I wont cook anything elaborate, I wont bake much. I wont paint, I wont sing, I wont dance, I rarely exorcise, and I cautious about what I watch. I don't allow myself any freedoms really, and I have no idea why. What I do know is that I've been this way since middle school. My mom had divorced her second husband and was working two jobs to keep the house, and my grandma moved in. I'd come home from school, allow myself to do anything, then my grandma would come home and I'd stop doing everything, I'd just watch T.V. Then my mom got pregnant and the father (her third husband) moved in and my grandma moved out. My mom quit her second job, and all of a sudden there was people all the time. So I'd either watch T.V. or go online. I did this all through high school, except I stopped coming home after school, but my mom always picked me up on her way home. Even around my friends I don't allow myself to relax and just be myself. Chris has never seen me let go, it's just annoying.


~Peaches

Blah...

So I've been depressed lately, but I have started taking vitamins again, including St. John's Wort/Mood Support mix. I haven't been to my nutritionist in I don't know how long, because one I can't afford it right now, and two she wants me to go back into therapy, which I can't afford. My body has been bothering me a lot lately, partially due to an innocent comment. The comment being "You've lost a lot of weight, I mean a lot of weight" from someone who hadn't seen me in a while. This brought my mind to thinking either I used to be fatter than I thought, I actually have lost a lot of weight but my mind is making me see otherwise (including the scale numbers), or she actually remembers me as really fat...all depressing thoughts.


I've felt a bit locked in my head lately, and I have no idea why or how to get out. Everything seems take too much effort. I wish I would just get happy and stay happy, I hate being depressed, especially when I don't know why. Everything frustrates me, like learning a new knitting stitch, or even drawing... I barely go online because it just seems so...I don't know, I haven't figured out why it bothers me. Even watching TV has gotten to me, so has reading, but I can't sit in silence so I leave the TV on and try to amuse myself. I need a mini vacation, but one where I'm doing things. Like Chris and I visited Rumpy in Cape May a few weeks ago and it was fun, but it was short and I still haven't learned to relax. Today I had the day off, but lack of car makes for lack of doing things which makes me depressed. Of course getting a car would require me to get a second, which I have been procrastinating. Mostly because I didn't have as much time for things when I work 2 jobs, although being able to pay my bills and still have money for other things was nice. Plus I honestly think I was happier with my days filled, and maybe even less tired... Guess I should motivate myself more and job hunt.


This past Saturday Chris and I went to the Central Jersey Pagan Pride Day. I was awesome, minus the rain >.< Cucina Aurora, she makes very tasty infused oils and yummy dip mixes! I've already been experimenting a little. We going to the New York Pagan Pride Day next month, partially because our day got rain out but also to hang out at Cucina Aurora again!


My brain is running a mile a minute but I feel like I don't have much to say. Back to feeling like I'm locked in again.


I recently learned about Deco-Den, I find it awesome and want to try it out. Just need a bunch of shiny things and fun things to glue them to ^.^


I'm thinking of a tuna fish sandwich with cucumbers for dinner... Hopefully Chris will want some too. Of course this craving is coming from the tuna fish salad and cucumber on cracked wheat bread with side salad from Rockin' Joe's. If there is a Rocking Joe's near you I suggest going there, it's a very awesome coffee house.


I want to do something that doesn't require money... Chris and I have adopted movie night, which has been Friday for the most part, because I've had the last three Saturdays off and I only asked for one of them. I do want to go hiking again, but Chris's knee has been problematic and I need him in one piece. We could always have lunch in the park, weather permitting.


I need to start my food exchange again, but I want to plan my meals when doing it, which I have always sucked at. Plus I would need to go food shopping.


Current Worries:
-The trial got pushed back to December...
-My great aunt and uncle were in a car accident this weekend, very bad accident. I've been worried but it's kinda been in the back of my head. I feel bad but I guess it's cause I don't really see them that much.
-Wedding plans have changed a lot, it doesn't necessarily bother me, just sits there in my head.
-Two of my pregnant friends have gestational diabetes, one of which already has a blood disorders, so the list of foods she can eat just got shorter. I love her and wished I lived closer to her so I could help her out.


I think I'm done for today. I hope I continue to blog more often.\
~Peaches

Sevas Tra

So today was a birthday party for my cousins. We had to work out a time when I could go and my uncle wouldn't be there. He got to go to the first half of the party and I got to go to the second half, which mostly everyone left by that point. I've been so stressed at the fact that I could possibly see him in passing. I've been smoking again as away to relieve the stress, it beats cutting which is what I'd prefer to do. I can't wait till it's all over... I hate it when he's in my head. Now I've been feeling dirty because I think of what he did but then I'll think about sex. I wish the two thoughts wouldn't come together. I wish I could compartmentalize, him in one corner and my sex life in another corner, far from eachother. It's so frustrating to have a happy thought killed by one person. I wish I could runaway from my own mind, away from my thoughts, away from myself. I just don't know what to do, how to get passed it...

The title 'Sevas Tra' is an album by Otep, spell it backwards and you have "Art Saves". There's a song on the album called 'Jonestown Tea', a girl used it as a way to tell her mother what her father was doing to her and her sister. Proving, art saves lives, sometimes the words just aren't there for you to speak, but someone else can. Just a random note...

~Peaches

The Devil's Tree

Back in March Chris, Rikki, and I were going to visit the tree. As we got closer we felt that something way really off and went home. Chris and I finally visited today, March 18, 2009. We noticed the tree has leaves again, and the land around the tree has become alive once more. We've come to the conclusion that someone has rid the tree of the darkness that once resided there and the tree is now protected. We did notice a couple branches were missing including the one known for lynchings. I researched online and found that shortly before March 28Th, 2009 the branches were cut from the tree. I also read that someone noticed that the chain link fence has been replaced with a new one. The person stated that the fence used to have padlocks on it and now it only has metal wires holding it. They also said that they noticed new burn marks and the cuts looked deeper, as if someone tried cutting the tree down, again. I hope the tree is completely safe now. Back in the 1970's The Living Wicca Society tried to cleanse the tree. It started to sprout leaves and show life, eventually the leaves fell off and the evil returned. I feel that the tree has a chance this time, it is a spiritual nexus that has been used by evil for far too long. The growth is a sign of good taking it's back it's rightful place.

If Today Was Your Last Day

So I've been intrigued by "If Today Was Your Last Day" by Nickelback (lyrics are at the end of this blog). One part in particular catches my interest:

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

It makes me think what I would do if I had one day left.

"Could you say goodbye to yesterday?": I'm almost always unfinished with something, I don't know if I'd be able to be okay with "saying goodbye" so to speak.

"Would you live each moment like your last?": I still haven't learned to let go so I'm not sure how...

"Leave old pictures in the past": Pictures I hold on to no matter what, with my memory sucking so much it's all I really have besides journals and blogs.

"Donate every dime you have": I would donate to everything I care about evenly, I might even just randomly throw money off a building.

"Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce old memories": As much as I hate phones I would call them, I'd definitely be nervous though.

"Would you find the one your dreamin' of?": Well one person I dream of is Chris and if it was my last day he'd most likely be with me. The other person I dream of is Siren and I'd would so pay for her to fly up that day to spend together!

"Swear up and down to God above. That you'd finally fall in love": I have no real answer for this one currently.

This song really does make you think.

If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live like you'll never live it twice

Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothin' stand in your way

Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

Food Exchange

My nutritionist has started me on a food exchange. A food exchange is a way of eating, it helps make sure you've eaten what you need. I like it because I know I will be getting to right amount of nutrients I need everyday. Plus I still get to eat whatever I want.


So I decided to check out True Blood. It's very intriguing, and I'm watching right now which is making it hard for me to type this...


~Peaches

Eating

I'm so frustrated and confused with myself right now. On one side I want to be normal and eat normal. On the other side I want to switch my bulimia to anorexia, I know I know that's really a bad idea. I always feel like I eat too much, my my nutritionist thinks I'm not eating enough in one sitting. I want to be in control right now, and I think that's why I want to become anorexic but I know I can't, besides I suck at not eating for long periods of time. I'm lost and have no idea what to do...


~Peaches

Treatment

On Saturday I went to my first visit with my Nutrition Therapist for my bulimia. It was just an evaluation, we also ran out of time so my next visit will finish my evaluation. She said that I should go back into Psychological Therapy as well, because recovering from an eating disorder you need emotional help as well as nutritional. Nutrition-wise she thinks one of my triggers is carbs, which I can agree on. When I eat carbs I just cant get enough. She also said that my eating multiple meals on work days is probably because I'm not eating enough in one sitting causing me to eat bigger meals later in the day. I bought myself a kit on Zen Brush Painting as a new coping skill to try out.


That's all I got for now.


~Peaches

Thin

So ironically I almost slipped fully back into my eating disorder. I say ironically because I have an appointment with an eating disorder therapist tomorrow. I wish food and weight weren't a problem for me. I honestly don't know why I became bulimic in the first place. It started before my uncle, so obviously it's not because of that, although it could be why it continued. It could be because I was always the skinny one who could eat anything and gain nothing, until puberty hit. I know I learned it because I ate too many Reese's Peanut Butter Cups that my stomach hurt and a neighbor told me to stick my fingers down my throat. I don't know anymore. I wish I could remember things that are important like that, but no I only remember the bad that happened to me. I don't remember the fun I had with friends, I don't remember the good times in my life. I remember what my uncle did to me. Then when I got off my medications I started remembering things, some were more bad things, some were just random, most I still don't remember. It's frustrating...


On a better note, my rash is practically gone! Yay!!!


Tomorrow I have work, then therapy, then nothing, then Rikki's party! Sunday I have work, then some shopping, then visiting my dad at some point.


~Peaches

The Past

So I've been reading my old Dead Journal and realized that it's probably the only way to get memories back. Being on those medications took so much from me. I'm only 21 and I barely remember anything before last year. It's sad. I wish I copied my old Myspace blog post before I deleted it, my Dead Journal only covers so much, the other site I used to use deletes after 30 days of no activity. At least I have my written journals, just got to find them. I hate not remembering things...


No work tomorrow! I'm gonna try and sleep in.


I woke up at 2:30am feeling like I might throw up, I've felt like that all day. Chris is bringing me home soup.


~Peaches

Oldness

*gasp* 2 entries in one day! Oh my!

So I got bored and was reading my old Dead Journal, now I was reading the last entry until my 4th hospitalization and decided to blog. Now the parts I read weren't the bad times, but the times when I was trying to get better. Of course it still amazes me how much depression infects other people. So many of my friends got depressed after enduring my depression for so long and at least 3 picked up cutting. The worst part of them cutting is their parents blamed me and wouldn't let them talk to me. I serious wanted to yell at their parents and say "Hey, it's not me! Obviously there's something else wrong! Try talking to your kid!" but the only adult I ever yell at is my mom. I guess when I'm depressed I start thinking about the bad parts of my life, which is never good...

So anyways...

I have work 6am tomorrow. I am normally asleep by now so I can wake up at 5am, but insomnia says no. I'm not tired at night, I'm exhausted in the mornings, I tell myself to nap when I get home from work but it doesn't happen. I just want sleep. Of course some of you maybe wondering why I'm not trying right now. Well I am, this is being sent by email through my phone, I am currently in bead trying to get tired.

Well Night,
~Peaches

I Suck...

I suck because I created this in the hopes I would blog once a day...


So my insomnia has graced me with it's presence again. I don't know why either, of course I have been feeling depressed lately and I don't know what started that up either.


This Saturday I have my first appointment with a Nutritionist to help with my bulimia, she specializes in the treatment of eating disorders.


So my rash from my infection is almost gone and healing nicely, this is week 4, so I've got at least 2 more weeks of it. :(


My uncle has been invading my thoughts again. Now that I think about it, that could be the very reason behind my insomnia and depression resurfacing. I really hate him... I just wish I could erase all the thoughts and all the memories of what he did to me.


So my Grandmom was up visiting for the last 2 weeks, which made me very happy, I love her and miss her a lot. She did have something to tell me and my Dad that I just haven't reacted to (also could be behind my insomnia). My Grandpop isn't my Dad's birth dad, my Grandmom had an affair and got pregnant. My Grandpop did the most honorable thing in adopting my Dad and telling my family not to speak of it. My Grandmom doesn't know why he kept it a secret all these years but he did. I love my Grandpop and I respect his decision very much, not many people would do that. I have no issues with my Grandmom's affair, it happens and if she didn't my Dad nor I would be here. This has just been bouncing around in my head, I don't know how to react really, or if I should react.


I made homemade granola bars yesterday, they're yummy, except it calls for more dried fruit than my non existent sweet tooth likes. Stupid medication took my sweet tooth away when I came off it.


I'm planning on painting a Hello Kitty Warhol. It was Chris's idea actually, he says if I paint it he'll make it the centerpiece (so to speak) of our living room when we get our own place. ^.^


Sarah is back from London! We hung out Saturday night, we went to a coffee house in Metchen, it was really loud. She brought me back this awesome bracelet that was made by a local London Artist! She also go Chris chocolate but they confiscated it, he doesn't care though, it's the thought that counts!


I managed to pay a bunch of bills today, I was amazed to find I had money to do so. I'm happy Kohl's has been giving me extra hours, only down fall is now I don't want fold laundry when I'm home...


I'm going to apply to the Vitamin Shoppe, they're opening a store by me and have a "Now Hiring" sign out. Hopefully they'll have full time positions open, if not part time is fine, it's better than nothing.


I think I officially ran out of things to type, amazing.


~Peaches

Life

So it's been a while since my last update, yea...


I turned 21 on the 26th!!! Chris took me out to the Olive Garden, where I had a glass of wine. Then we went out to Torpedo's, the chicks weren't the greatest, but I had a long island iced tea, a shot of vodka with lime, a red death, and 2 tube shots of this jolly rancher stuff. All under like an hour and a half, it was fun. Friday into Saturday Chris and I went to Atlantic City!! We stayed at Harrah's, played there that night, had breakfast in the room. Breakfast was awsome, I had fresh fruit, yogart, and banana bread with tea, but I learned, it was a meal for 2! Then we went to the Borgata, it was way more fun than Harrah's! We ate at their buffet, it was pretty good, exept for the food problem, I'll explain later... The we went to the Pier Mall, I spent $120 in Lush!! I'm so happy with my new products!! All in all I lost about $82, not too bad. Sunday Chris, Rikki, Zoshia, and I went to Sea Side, we ate at 3 Brothers, now that it's beach season they make my favorite pizza (I dont know the name lol). We played mini golf, had ice cream, went on the beach, and played at Lucky Leo's for a bit.


Food Problems: So it all started Friday, I brought a bagel and peanut butter to work for lunch, until lunch time came and I noticed my bagel was moldy!! Saturday for lunch we were at the Borgatat Buffet as I mentioned earlier, it was good except for when I decided to try the asparagus raviloi's. I ate one, it tasted like meat, I figured it was chicken (I'm vegetarian!), Chris came back to the table, tries one, thinks it's chicken. So he tells the waitress, informing her that I'm veg. She tells a chef, he talks to 2 others, the 3 of them talk to the lady in charge of all the borgata resturants. The 3 chefs come and talk to us, they appologuise, the one chef (who happened to be 3rd from the head) tells us that it wasn't chicken but veal!!!! He also says that if I feel sick I can see one of the casino's nurses. Turns out the hosts are in charge of the signs.... We decide to go food shopping on our way home because I needed food for work, and I wanted my birthday cheesecake, as well as I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner, we get home to find out that electrical work was being done and the power had been off all day! I put my food away as quickly as possible, but I was no longer able to make my grilled cheese. We eventually went to Taco Bell, where I ordered a Bean Burrito and a Fresco Bean Burrito. We get home to find out that instead of my Fresco there's a hard shell beef taco! So we went back and yelled at them. Sunday I at work my store manager threw out my water bottle while I was in the bathroom, he gave me a dollar to get one from the vending machine. We have 2 drink vending machines, one was out of water so I used the other one, it wouldn't give me water, it would only give soda! Thanks to my dehydration problem I choose not to drink soda at work because I move around alot. Luckily my supervisor had an extra water she could give me. I was ready to become a hermit!


I went to the doctors on Wednesday because a couple weeks ago I started getting this rash that is everywhere on my body but my face and neck. It itches like hell! Found out that it's the after effect of a viral infection, which ultimately explains the dizzy spells I was getting that ended about a week before my rash started. Turns out a percentage of people get a rash after a viral infection, I'm one of the lucky ones... It can last up to 6 weeks and all I can do is use hydrocortisone 1%. The part that sucks is that my skin is less itchy when covered, so I've been in long sleeves since it started, even when it's hot...


Christina found out today that she's had a baby boy!! I'm so happy and I will be spoiling him alot!


My Grandmom is up visiting for 2 weeks and I'm spending as much time as possible with her this weekend!! The last time I got to see her was a couple years ago, when she and my Grandpop were up visiting.


We booked a Photographer/Videographer for only $2675!!! They cut us a deal because our wedding has sold out that day!! We also decided on doing something involving floating candles for the centerpieces! I'm so excited!


I have an appointment to meet with an eating disorder therapist next Saturday (not tomorrow).


I've run out of things to say...


~Peaches

Untitled...

So today I finally finished reading HP5. I know I started it in like December... and I managed reading books 1 through 4 very quickly, but then I started working alot because, well that's what happens in retail land.


Anyways, I've been thinking alot about things in my life. I decided to start writting a book, a memoir, most likely to be published through Lulu.com although I'm not planning on it being finished until a couple major events happen, the first being the thrid trial and the second being my wedding. I'd like these events to be included, besides I think a happy ending would be best.


I turn 21 on Tuesday! Plans so far are, that night Chris is taking me to the Olive Garden for dinner, and afterwards a strip club and he"ll be buying me a lapdance!! The next day is recovery day, followed by two days of work. That Saturday we will be going down to AC! So far we dont have plans for that Sunday, except relaxing. I was planning on going to see the Moaning Myrtles on tour, but lack of car and lack of persons to come with equals I can't go. :(


So Christina was gonna visit me, but that didn't work out. Then I decided I would take the train to her, until i found out it would cost me $300... Plus I'd only get like one day with her. :( So instead Chris and I are going down for the Forth of July weekend!


I have some many thoughts running through my head, yet I have nothing left to say right now...


~Peaches

Stuck

So tonight I got to endure one of my longest running problems. When I get frustrated I can't formulate the words I need to say what I need to say. That ultimately frustrates me more. I stormed out on Chris because I couldn't even formulate saying that I need to cool off. I wish I knew how to fix it, but how do you fix something that's been a problem since you could remember. I don't know how to deal with it. It's like I'm trapped in my own mind and I can't get any messages out. Not by talking, not by writting. It's so difficult to just sit there searching for the words you know you have. I think it's why I used to cut, I just didn't know of any other way, bulimia just took up my emotions, cutting became my words. Now I dont cut, now my words are at a loss again. Sometimes I feel like an infant who doesn't know how to tell anyone what's wrong. It's scary. It could be why I never talked about what my uncle did. It could also be behind my artistic blocks, when I can't draw or write. I also hate dealing with things, this is the first time I've tried to formulate this problem on paper so to speak. I don't know...
Goodnight,
~Peaches

53.65

The title is my purity test score. The purity test makes me want to do more things ^.- What can I say? I like sex. Hee hee hee.


So short post, I'm just bored.


~Peaches

So Pull Yourself Together Girl, And Have A Little Fun!

So this is my first time trying the email blog thing, so bare with me.


So Mother's Day was interesting as usual. I had to work of course, which sucks because Mother's Day makes me think of the miscarriage I had senior year. Anyways, we went to my dad's first to see my stepmom. It's always fun to go there. My dad mentioned that my mom told him that me and my fiance, Chris, are like her and my dad when their marriage was ending. My dad has no idea what she is talking about, he thinks we're good together. My mom has this bad habbit of saying shit that's not true, and the only people whoever believe me are the ones who know better than to listen to her. The best is she barely aknowledged I was engaged until my grandma mentioned to her that she had stuff I could use for my wedding if I wanted them. Of course when I said I wanted to see them first she took that as me not wanting them. Anywho, my mom is just weird and half the time when Chris and I bicker in front of her it's usually her fault. She likes to put people between her and I, luckily Chris learned in the begining that it's a bad idea. We had fun at my dad's and then we had to go to my mom's. She had her usual fake smile and fake additude. Chris and I managed to not bicker at all until we had to put stuff in the car. Hopefully she doesn't make some big deal about it. She's so stressful to be around, I hate it. Then we go to come home and give his mom her gift, which she shared. We got all three moms an edible arramgement.


Bulimia-wise, I managed another day without binging! Still gotta call my insurence though...


Tuesday I have to take a drving test to keep my lisence, wish me luck!


As much as I have a lot to say, I'm tired and have work tomorrow, so goodnight.


~Peaches


"So pull yourself together girl,
And have a little fun"
- "Devil's Dance Floor" by Flogging Molly

Blah...

So yesterday I went to the beach with Rikki! ^.^ I love the beach so much! Zoshia got to play with sand for the first time it was so cute!


Today we went to David's Bridal, because my little sister wont be my flower girl unless the dress is pink. I chose pink and green for my colors, but the dress i wanted for her only came in the color green i picked and not the pink. Anyways it turned out to be a good thing, turns out online the colors look horribly different. The pink I originally chose turned out to be Barney purple! So I picked out a pink in person that was what I wanted. Turns out though that the flower girl dress I like doesn't come in that pink either... So they told me I could go with a junior bridesmaid dress because she may be that size anyways. Also the dress Christina was gonna wear doesn't come in that shade of pink either, and I want her in pink so she coordinates with my sister. Sometimes I think I'm over coordinating but I don't care. I also found the invites I want, but they didn't have enough in store so I'm gonna check them out online.


Bulimia-wise I did very well today. People offered me food when I was full and I said no. I'm very proud of myself.


My mind is in so many direction right now and I don't know what to type so I'm gonna end it here.


~Peaches

Happy

*squeals like a little school girl* My Bestest, Christina, is coming up tomorrow!! I'm so happy!! She wasn't supposed to be up until the week of my birthday, but her fiance is going into the army and has too leave before my birthday. Since I still have the week of my birthday off I'm gonna visit her. ^.^ I love her so much and I can't wait to see her!!


Anyways.


I was thinking about how my bulimia started. When I was 9 I ate a lot of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and felt nauseous. A friend of the family told me that "sometimes you just gotta stick your finger down your throat and get it out of your stomach." So that's what started it all. I used to be skinny, skinny until 8th grade. 8th grade I started going over 100lbs, now for my height it wasn't a bad thing, but for my mind it was scary. At the end of my freshmen year, during my second hospitalization, my roommate talked me into anorexia. At the start of my stay I was 123lbs, after a 10 day stay I was 110lbs, 2 weeks later I was 98lbs. Then summer came and Christina was visiting and we decided each other was too skinny and made each other eat. Neither would eat unless the other ate, and we didn't want the other to not eat, so we ate a lot. By the time she left i was 108lbs. I managed 115lbs for awhile and finally my meds took over my weight and I gained. It sucks. Now I need to get better and get to a healthy weight that I'm comfortable with. I read once that sexual abuse victims are more prone to bulimia than anorexia. Now my bulimia started about 1 year before the abuse, but I think the abuse makes it harder to get over my bulimia. I was I able to pin point my triggers. It seems that any extreme emotion sets me off. Whether I be sad, depressed, angry, happy, excited, tired, or bored. My brain turns emotion into hunger, I wish it didn't. I started binging on salad tonight after having dinner, all because I'm happy. I just don't get it. Of course I'm on my period so cravings are normal. I kinda want smores...


I think this is it for now.


~Peaches

New

So I decided on having a blog, one blog separate from my myspace/facebook/deviantart/suicidegirls blogs. One blog where it wont matter what I write. So here it is, don't like it? don't read it. Anyways...

A little bit about me first:
My parents divorced when I was 4. I became bulimic when I was 9. My uncle molested me when I was 10 until I was 13. My parents both remarried, my mom when I was 10, my dad when I was 12 I think. My mom divorced when I was 12. I became a cutter when I was 13. My mom and stepmom became pregnant 5 months from each other when I was 13. My mom got remarried shorlty after my stepmom had my brother, Adam. My mom had my brother, Jason, after I turned 14. A couple months before my 15th birthday I was hospitalized for depression, self mutalation, and suicidal tendincies and thoughts. I then went into a partial program. I was out for one week, had my birthday, and went back into a hospital again. 5 months later I was hospitalized again, then a partial program again. During my time at the partial program I admitted what my uncle did to me. I talked to a detective, they arrested my uncle after Christmas. A few months later I was hospitalized again. 2 months later I was placed in a theraputic school, I was there until halfway of my senior year. My stepmom had my sister when I was 16. My mom got divorced because her husband as abusive, the abuse started towards her, then he hit my brother. Towards the end of my senior year I had to go to trial over my uncle. It was a hung jury. 4 months later was a retrial, he was found guilty. He went to jail, a year and a half later he was aquitted. We are preparing to go to trial again. In March 2009 my boyfriend of 2 years and 8 months proposed to me! We're geting married on May 1, 2010!
__________________________________________________

So I went to the doctors today, I've been sick since the end of January. My symptoms: nausea, dizziness, light headed, headaches, tiredness. And they still don't know whats wrong. I finally told my doctor today that I'm bulimic, he's upset that I haven't been seeking treatment, so now I must and them go back to him in 6 weeks. I have high cholesterol and he wont give me a dietary recommendation until a psychologist clears me of being capable of handling a diet plan without mental repercussions. So that's that. Right now I'm nervous, I've worked so hard to get better, and kind of ignored my bulimia. I'm anxious because I feel like everything is gonna come crashing down again. I guess it's also a good thing because I've been interested in getting a nutritionist to help me have balanced meals. I just don't know how to eat right, let alone properly. I binge even when I don't purge just because I don't know how to eat normally. I managed to get purging down to a minimum, but binging is so much harder. I like food and I hate food. I wish food didn't matter.


I think I'm done for now...


~Peaches