Sick

I haven't been updating because I have a cold, and a couple days ago my cold sprouted an ear infection. I relized today, that when I get sick I use it as an excuse to let my mental issues run wild. I don't eat much when I'm sick, parcially because of nausea, but mostly because it's the perfect excuse not to. I have better control to not eat when I'm sick verses when I'm not. It's too difficult to not eat when I'm healthy, I don't know why though. When I'm sick I always think that it's the perfect time to loose weight. No one really questions your lack of appitite when your sick. The down side of not eating is how weak I feel, so I started eating more tonight. Mostly because I need my strenght for work, and I have a long shift tomorrow. I also need to stop doing this to myself, it's okay that my excuse to stop my bad behavior is work, as long as I continue for myself. I do want to get better, but I also fear getting better. I don't know what better is, I've been this way for so long that being better scares me. I guess that's what holds me back from everything. I need to learn to let go, and not just of myself, but of my emotions. I need to free my head of bad thoughts, i should probably start reading my optimisim book again. I need to start caring for myself again, ironically when I got sick I stopped taking all of my vitamins. You need vitamins the most when your sick, and I gave up. I think I should go back into therapy, but not with my previous therapist. I lost trust in her when she started listening to my mom about lies she was saying about Chris. I don't evem remember what my mom told her, but I do remember my therapist not liking me dating Chris because of it. I worked so much with my previous therapist, but I need someone I can trust. I guess I'll have to start looking into it, with the trial coming up I'm definately going to need one soon.

Well I'm tired, I need sleep before work tomorrow. Good night.
~Peaches