Food Exchange

My nutritionist has started me on a food exchange. A food exchange is a way of eating, it helps make sure you've eaten what you need. I like it because I know I will be getting to right amount of nutrients I need everyday. Plus I still get to eat whatever I want.


So I decided to check out True Blood. It's very intriguing, and I'm watching right now which is making it hard for me to type this...


~Peaches

Eating

I'm so frustrated and confused with myself right now. On one side I want to be normal and eat normal. On the other side I want to switch my bulimia to anorexia, I know I know that's really a bad idea. I always feel like I eat too much, my my nutritionist thinks I'm not eating enough in one sitting. I want to be in control right now, and I think that's why I want to become anorexic but I know I can't, besides I suck at not eating for long periods of time. I'm lost and have no idea what to do...


~Peaches

Treatment

On Saturday I went to my first visit with my Nutrition Therapist for my bulimia. It was just an evaluation, we also ran out of time so my next visit will finish my evaluation. She said that I should go back into Psychological Therapy as well, because recovering from an eating disorder you need emotional help as well as nutritional. Nutrition-wise she thinks one of my triggers is carbs, which I can agree on. When I eat carbs I just cant get enough. She also said that my eating multiple meals on work days is probably because I'm not eating enough in one sitting causing me to eat bigger meals later in the day. I bought myself a kit on Zen Brush Painting as a new coping skill to try out.


That's all I got for now.


~Peaches

Thin

So ironically I almost slipped fully back into my eating disorder. I say ironically because I have an appointment with an eating disorder therapist tomorrow. I wish food and weight weren't a problem for me. I honestly don't know why I became bulimic in the first place. It started before my uncle, so obviously it's not because of that, although it could be why it continued. It could be because I was always the skinny one who could eat anything and gain nothing, until puberty hit. I know I learned it because I ate too many Reese's Peanut Butter Cups that my stomach hurt and a neighbor told me to stick my fingers down my throat. I don't know anymore. I wish I could remember things that are important like that, but no I only remember the bad that happened to me. I don't remember the fun I had with friends, I don't remember the good times in my life. I remember what my uncle did to me. Then when I got off my medications I started remembering things, some were more bad things, some were just random, most I still don't remember. It's frustrating...


On a better note, my rash is practically gone! Yay!!!


Tomorrow I have work, then therapy, then nothing, then Rikki's party! Sunday I have work, then some shopping, then visiting my dad at some point.


~Peaches

The Past

So I've been reading my old Dead Journal and realized that it's probably the only way to get memories back. Being on those medications took so much from me. I'm only 21 and I barely remember anything before last year. It's sad. I wish I copied my old Myspace blog post before I deleted it, my Dead Journal only covers so much, the other site I used to use deletes after 30 days of no activity. At least I have my written journals, just got to find them. I hate not remembering things...


No work tomorrow! I'm gonna try and sleep in.


I woke up at 2:30am feeling like I might throw up, I've felt like that all day. Chris is bringing me home soup.


~Peaches

Oldness

*gasp* 2 entries in one day! Oh my!

So I got bored and was reading my old Dead Journal, now I was reading the last entry until my 4th hospitalization and decided to blog. Now the parts I read weren't the bad times, but the times when I was trying to get better. Of course it still amazes me how much depression infects other people. So many of my friends got depressed after enduring my depression for so long and at least 3 picked up cutting. The worst part of them cutting is their parents blamed me and wouldn't let them talk to me. I serious wanted to yell at their parents and say "Hey, it's not me! Obviously there's something else wrong! Try talking to your kid!" but the only adult I ever yell at is my mom. I guess when I'm depressed I start thinking about the bad parts of my life, which is never good...

So anyways...

I have work 6am tomorrow. I am normally asleep by now so I can wake up at 5am, but insomnia says no. I'm not tired at night, I'm exhausted in the mornings, I tell myself to nap when I get home from work but it doesn't happen. I just want sleep. Of course some of you maybe wondering why I'm not trying right now. Well I am, this is being sent by email through my phone, I am currently in bead trying to get tired.

Well Night,
~Peaches

I Suck...

I suck because I created this in the hopes I would blog once a day...


So my insomnia has graced me with it's presence again. I don't know why either, of course I have been feeling depressed lately and I don't know what started that up either.


This Saturday I have my first appointment with a Nutritionist to help with my bulimia, she specializes in the treatment of eating disorders.


So my rash from my infection is almost gone and healing nicely, this is week 4, so I've got at least 2 more weeks of it. :(


My uncle has been invading my thoughts again. Now that I think about it, that could be the very reason behind my insomnia and depression resurfacing. I really hate him... I just wish I could erase all the thoughts and all the memories of what he did to me.


So my Grandmom was up visiting for the last 2 weeks, which made me very happy, I love her and miss her a lot. She did have something to tell me and my Dad that I just haven't reacted to (also could be behind my insomnia). My Grandpop isn't my Dad's birth dad, my Grandmom had an affair and got pregnant. My Grandpop did the most honorable thing in adopting my Dad and telling my family not to speak of it. My Grandmom doesn't know why he kept it a secret all these years but he did. I love my Grandpop and I respect his decision very much, not many people would do that. I have no issues with my Grandmom's affair, it happens and if she didn't my Dad nor I would be here. This has just been bouncing around in my head, I don't know how to react really, or if I should react.


I made homemade granola bars yesterday, they're yummy, except it calls for more dried fruit than my non existent sweet tooth likes. Stupid medication took my sweet tooth away when I came off it.


I'm planning on painting a Hello Kitty Warhol. It was Chris's idea actually, he says if I paint it he'll make it the centerpiece (so to speak) of our living room when we get our own place. ^.^


Sarah is back from London! We hung out Saturday night, we went to a coffee house in Metchen, it was really loud. She brought me back this awesome bracelet that was made by a local London Artist! She also go Chris chocolate but they confiscated it, he doesn't care though, it's the thought that counts!


I managed to pay a bunch of bills today, I was amazed to find I had money to do so. I'm happy Kohl's has been giving me extra hours, only down fall is now I don't want fold laundry when I'm home...


I'm going to apply to the Vitamin Shoppe, they're opening a store by me and have a "Now Hiring" sign out. Hopefully they'll have full time positions open, if not part time is fine, it's better than nothing.


I think I officially ran out of things to type, amazing.


~Peaches

Life

So it's been a while since my last update, yea...


I turned 21 on the 26th!!! Chris took me out to the Olive Garden, where I had a glass of wine. Then we went out to Torpedo's, the chicks weren't the greatest, but I had a long island iced tea, a shot of vodka with lime, a red death, and 2 tube shots of this jolly rancher stuff. All under like an hour and a half, it was fun. Friday into Saturday Chris and I went to Atlantic City!! We stayed at Harrah's, played there that night, had breakfast in the room. Breakfast was awsome, I had fresh fruit, yogart, and banana bread with tea, but I learned, it was a meal for 2! Then we went to the Borgata, it was way more fun than Harrah's! We ate at their buffet, it was pretty good, exept for the food problem, I'll explain later... The we went to the Pier Mall, I spent $120 in Lush!! I'm so happy with my new products!! All in all I lost about $82, not too bad. Sunday Chris, Rikki, Zoshia, and I went to Sea Side, we ate at 3 Brothers, now that it's beach season they make my favorite pizza (I dont know the name lol). We played mini golf, had ice cream, went on the beach, and played at Lucky Leo's for a bit.


Food Problems: So it all started Friday, I brought a bagel and peanut butter to work for lunch, until lunch time came and I noticed my bagel was moldy!! Saturday for lunch we were at the Borgatat Buffet as I mentioned earlier, it was good except for when I decided to try the asparagus raviloi's. I ate one, it tasted like meat, I figured it was chicken (I'm vegetarian!), Chris came back to the table, tries one, thinks it's chicken. So he tells the waitress, informing her that I'm veg. She tells a chef, he talks to 2 others, the 3 of them talk to the lady in charge of all the borgata resturants. The 3 chefs come and talk to us, they appologuise, the one chef (who happened to be 3rd from the head) tells us that it wasn't chicken but veal!!!! He also says that if I feel sick I can see one of the casino's nurses. Turns out the hosts are in charge of the signs.... We decide to go food shopping on our way home because I needed food for work, and I wanted my birthday cheesecake, as well as I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner, we get home to find out that electrical work was being done and the power had been off all day! I put my food away as quickly as possible, but I was no longer able to make my grilled cheese. We eventually went to Taco Bell, where I ordered a Bean Burrito and a Fresco Bean Burrito. We get home to find out that instead of my Fresco there's a hard shell beef taco! So we went back and yelled at them. Sunday I at work my store manager threw out my water bottle while I was in the bathroom, he gave me a dollar to get one from the vending machine. We have 2 drink vending machines, one was out of water so I used the other one, it wouldn't give me water, it would only give soda! Thanks to my dehydration problem I choose not to drink soda at work because I move around alot. Luckily my supervisor had an extra water she could give me. I was ready to become a hermit!


I went to the doctors on Wednesday because a couple weeks ago I started getting this rash that is everywhere on my body but my face and neck. It itches like hell! Found out that it's the after effect of a viral infection, which ultimately explains the dizzy spells I was getting that ended about a week before my rash started. Turns out a percentage of people get a rash after a viral infection, I'm one of the lucky ones... It can last up to 6 weeks and all I can do is use hydrocortisone 1%. The part that sucks is that my skin is less itchy when covered, so I've been in long sleeves since it started, even when it's hot...


Christina found out today that she's had a baby boy!! I'm so happy and I will be spoiling him alot!


My Grandmom is up visiting for 2 weeks and I'm spending as much time as possible with her this weekend!! The last time I got to see her was a couple years ago, when she and my Grandpop were up visiting.


We booked a Photographer/Videographer for only $2675!!! They cut us a deal because our wedding has sold out that day!! We also decided on doing something involving floating candles for the centerpieces! I'm so excited!


I have an appointment to meet with an eating disorder therapist next Saturday (not tomorrow).


I've run out of things to say...


~Peaches