So today I finally finished reading HP5. I know I started it in like December... and I managed reading books 1 through 4 very quickly, but then I started working alot because, well that's what happens in retail land.
Anyways, I've been thinking alot about things in my life. I decided to start writting a book, a memoir, most likely to be published through Lulu.com although I'm not planning on it being finished until a couple major events happen, the first being the thrid trial and the second being my wedding. I'd like these events to be included, besides I think a happy ending would be best.
I turn 21 on Tuesday! Plans so far are, that night Chris is taking me to the Olive Garden for dinner, and afterwards a strip club and he"ll be buying me a lapdance!! The next day is recovery day, followed by two days of work. That Saturday we will be going down to AC! So far we dont have plans for that Sunday, except relaxing. I was planning on going to see the Moaning Myrtles on tour, but lack of car and lack of persons to come with equals I can't go. :(
So Christina was gonna visit me, but that didn't work out. Then I decided I would take the train to her, until i found out it would cost me $300... Plus I'd only get like one day with her. :( So instead Chris and I are going down for the Forth of July weekend!
I have some many thoughts running through my head, yet I have nothing left to say right now...
~Peaches
Friday, May 22, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Stuck
So tonight I got to endure one of my longest running problems. When I get frustrated I can't formulate the words I need to say what I need to say. That ultimately frustrates me more. I stormed out on Chris because I couldn't even formulate saying that I need to cool off. I wish I knew how to fix it, but how do you fix something that's been a problem since you could remember. I don't know how to deal with it. It's like I'm trapped in my own mind and I can't get any messages out. Not by talking, not by writting. It's so difficult to just sit there searching for the words you know you have. I think it's why I used to cut, I just didn't know of any other way, bulimia just took up my emotions, cutting became my words. Now I dont cut, now my words are at a loss again. Sometimes I feel like an infant who doesn't know how to tell anyone what's wrong. It's scary. It could be why I never talked about what my uncle did. It could also be behind my artistic blocks, when I can't draw or write. I also hate dealing with things, this is the first time I've tried to formulate this problem on paper so to speak. I don't know...
Goodnight,
~Peaches
Goodnight,
~Peaches
53.65
The title is my purity test score. The purity test makes me want to do more things ^.- What can I say? I like sex. Hee hee hee.
So short post, I'm just bored.
~Peaches
So short post, I'm just bored.
~Peaches
Sunday, May 10, 2009
So Pull Yourself Together Girl, And Have A Little Fun!
So this is my first time trying the email blog thing, so bare with me.
So Mother's Day was interesting as usual. I had to work of course, which sucks because Mother's Day makes me think of the miscarriage I had senior year. Anyways, we went to my dad's first to see my stepmom. It's always fun to go there. My dad mentioned that my mom told him that me and my fiance, Chris, are like her and my dad when their marriage was ending. My dad has no idea what she is talking about, he thinks we're good together. My mom has this bad habbit of saying shit that's not true, and the only people whoever believe me are the ones who know better than to listen to her. The best is she barely aknowledged I was engaged until my grandma mentioned to her that she had stuff I could use for my wedding if I wanted them. Of course when I said I wanted to see them first she took that as me not wanting them. Anywho, my mom is just weird and half the time when Chris and I bicker in front of her it's usually her fault. She likes to put people between her and I, luckily Chris learned in the begining that it's a bad idea. We had fun at my dad's and then we had to go to my mom's. She had her usual fake smile and fake additude. Chris and I managed to not bicker at all until we had to put stuff in the car. Hopefully she doesn't make some big deal about it. She's so stressful to be around, I hate it. Then we go to come home and give his mom her gift, which she shared. We got all three moms an edible arramgement.
Bulimia-wise, I managed another day without binging! Still gotta call my insurence though...
Tuesday I have to take a drving test to keep my lisence, wish me luck!
As much as I have a lot to say, I'm tired and have work tomorrow, so goodnight.
~Peaches
"So pull yourself together girl,
And have a little fun"
- "Devil's Dance Floor" by Flogging Molly
So Mother's Day was interesting as usual. I had to work of course, which sucks because Mother's Day makes me think of the miscarriage I had senior year. Anyways, we went to my dad's first to see my stepmom. It's always fun to go there. My dad mentioned that my mom told him that me and my fiance, Chris, are like her and my dad when their marriage was ending. My dad has no idea what she is talking about, he thinks we're good together. My mom has this bad habbit of saying shit that's not true, and the only people whoever believe me are the ones who know better than to listen to her. The best is she barely aknowledged I was engaged until my grandma mentioned to her that she had stuff I could use for my wedding if I wanted them. Of course when I said I wanted to see them first she took that as me not wanting them. Anywho, my mom is just weird and half the time when Chris and I bicker in front of her it's usually her fault. She likes to put people between her and I, luckily Chris learned in the begining that it's a bad idea. We had fun at my dad's and then we had to go to my mom's. She had her usual fake smile and fake additude. Chris and I managed to not bicker at all until we had to put stuff in the car. Hopefully she doesn't make some big deal about it. She's so stressful to be around, I hate it. Then we go to come home and give his mom her gift, which she shared. We got all three moms an edible arramgement.
Bulimia-wise, I managed another day without binging! Still gotta call my insurence though...
Tuesday I have to take a drving test to keep my lisence, wish me luck!
As much as I have a lot to say, I'm tired and have work tomorrow, so goodnight.
~Peaches
"So pull yourself together girl,
And have a little fun"
- "Devil's Dance Floor" by Flogging Molly
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Blah...
So yesterday I went to the beach with Rikki! ^.^ I love the beach so much! Zoshia got to play with sand for the first time it was so cute!
Today we went to David's Bridal, because my little sister wont be my flower girl unless the dress is pink. I chose pink and green for my colors, but the dress i wanted for her only came in the color green i picked and not the pink. Anyways it turned out to be a good thing, turns out online the colors look horribly different. The pink I originally chose turned out to be Barney purple! So I picked out a pink in person that was what I wanted. Turns out though that the flower girl dress I like doesn't come in that pink either... So they told me I could go with a junior bridesmaid dress because she may be that size anyways. Also the dress Christina was gonna wear doesn't come in that shade of pink either, and I want her in pink so she coordinates with my sister. Sometimes I think I'm over coordinating but I don't care. I also found the invites I want, but they didn't have enough in store so I'm gonna check them out online.
Bulimia-wise I did very well today. People offered me food when I was full and I said no. I'm very proud of myself.
My mind is in so many direction right now and I don't know what to type so I'm gonna end it here.
~Peaches
Today we went to David's Bridal, because my little sister wont be my flower girl unless the dress is pink. I chose pink and green for my colors, but the dress i wanted for her only came in the color green i picked and not the pink. Anyways it turned out to be a good thing, turns out online the colors look horribly different. The pink I originally chose turned out to be Barney purple! So I picked out a pink in person that was what I wanted. Turns out though that the flower girl dress I like doesn't come in that pink either... So they told me I could go with a junior bridesmaid dress because she may be that size anyways. Also the dress Christina was gonna wear doesn't come in that shade of pink either, and I want her in pink so she coordinates with my sister. Sometimes I think I'm over coordinating but I don't care. I also found the invites I want, but they didn't have enough in store so I'm gonna check them out online.
Bulimia-wise I did very well today. People offered me food when I was full and I said no. I'm very proud of myself.
My mind is in so many direction right now and I don't know what to type so I'm gonna end it here.
~Peaches
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Happy
*squeals like a little school girl* My Bestest, Christina, is coming up tomorrow!! I'm so happy!! She wasn't supposed to be up until the week of my birthday, but her fiance is going into the army and has too leave before my birthday. Since I still have the week of my birthday off I'm gonna visit her. ^.^ I love her so much and I can't wait to see her!!
Anyways.
I was thinking about how my bulimia started. When I was 9 I ate a lot of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and felt nauseous. A friend of the family told me that "sometimes you just gotta stick your finger down your throat and get it out of your stomach." So that's what started it all. I used to be skinny, skinny until 8th grade. 8th grade I started going over 100lbs, now for my height it wasn't a bad thing, but for my mind it was scary. At the end of my freshmen year, during my second hospitalization, my roommate talked me into anorexia. At the start of my stay I was 123lbs, after a 10 day stay I was 110lbs, 2 weeks later I was 98lbs. Then summer came and Christina was visiting and we decided each other was too skinny and made each other eat. Neither would eat unless the other ate, and we didn't want the other to not eat, so we ate a lot. By the time she left i was 108lbs. I managed 115lbs for awhile and finally my meds took over my weight and I gained. It sucks. Now I need to get better and get to a healthy weight that I'm comfortable with. I read once that sexual abuse victims are more prone to bulimia than anorexia. Now my bulimia started about 1 year before the abuse, but I think the abuse makes it harder to get over my bulimia. I was I able to pin point my triggers. It seems that any extreme emotion sets me off. Whether I be sad, depressed, angry, happy, excited, tired, or bored. My brain turns emotion into hunger, I wish it didn't. I started binging on salad tonight after having dinner, all because I'm happy. I just don't get it. Of course I'm on my period so cravings are normal. I kinda want smores...
I think this is it for now.
~Peaches
Anyways.
I was thinking about how my bulimia started. When I was 9 I ate a lot of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and felt nauseous. A friend of the family told me that "sometimes you just gotta stick your finger down your throat and get it out of your stomach." So that's what started it all. I used to be skinny, skinny until 8th grade. 8th grade I started going over 100lbs, now for my height it wasn't a bad thing, but for my mind it was scary. At the end of my freshmen year, during my second hospitalization, my roommate talked me into anorexia. At the start of my stay I was 123lbs, after a 10 day stay I was 110lbs, 2 weeks later I was 98lbs. Then summer came and Christina was visiting and we decided each other was too skinny and made each other eat. Neither would eat unless the other ate, and we didn't want the other to not eat, so we ate a lot. By the time she left i was 108lbs. I managed 115lbs for awhile and finally my meds took over my weight and I gained. It sucks. Now I need to get better and get to a healthy weight that I'm comfortable with. I read once that sexual abuse victims are more prone to bulimia than anorexia. Now my bulimia started about 1 year before the abuse, but I think the abuse makes it harder to get over my bulimia. I was I able to pin point my triggers. It seems that any extreme emotion sets me off. Whether I be sad, depressed, angry, happy, excited, tired, or bored. My brain turns emotion into hunger, I wish it didn't. I started binging on salad tonight after having dinner, all because I'm happy. I just don't get it. Of course I'm on my period so cravings are normal. I kinda want smores...
I think this is it for now.
~Peaches
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
New
So I decided on having a blog, one blog separate from my myspace/facebook/deviantart/suicidegirls blogs. One blog where it wont matter what I write. So here it is, don't like it? don't read it. Anyways...
A little bit about me first:
My parents divorced when I was 4. I became bulimic when I was 9. My uncle molested me when I was 10 until I was 13. My parents both remarried, my mom when I was 10, my dad when I was 12 I think. My mom divorced when I was 12. I became a cutter when I was 13. My mom and stepmom became pregnant 5 months from each other when I was 13. My mom got remarried shorlty after my stepmom had my brother, Adam. My mom had my brother, Jason, after I turned 14. A couple months before my 15th birthday I was hospitalized for depression, self mutalation, and suicidal tendincies and thoughts. I then went into a partial program. I was out for one week, had my birthday, and went back into a hospital again. 5 months later I was hospitalized again, then a partial program again. During my time at the partial program I admitted what my uncle did to me. I talked to a detective, they arrested my uncle after Christmas. A few months later I was hospitalized again. 2 months later I was placed in a theraputic school, I was there until halfway of my senior year. My stepmom had my sister when I was 16. My mom got divorced because her husband as abusive, the abuse started towards her, then he hit my brother. Towards the end of my senior year I had to go to trial over my uncle. It was a hung jury. 4 months later was a retrial, he was found guilty. He went to jail, a year and a half later he was aquitted. We are preparing to go to trial again. In March 2009 my boyfriend of 2 years and 8 months proposed to me! We're geting married on May 1, 2010!
__________________________________________________
So I went to the doctors today, I've been sick since the end of January. My symptoms: nausea, dizziness, light headed, headaches, tiredness. And they still don't know whats wrong. I finally told my doctor today that I'm bulimic, he's upset that I haven't been seeking treatment, so now I must and them go back to him in 6 weeks. I have high cholesterol and he wont give me a dietary recommendation until a psychologist clears me of being capable of handling a diet plan without mental repercussions. So that's that. Right now I'm nervous, I've worked so hard to get better, and kind of ignored my bulimia. I'm anxious because I feel like everything is gonna come crashing down again. I guess it's also a good thing because I've been interested in getting a nutritionist to help me have balanced meals. I just don't know how to eat right, let alone properly. I binge even when I don't purge just because I don't know how to eat normally. I managed to get purging down to a minimum, but binging is so much harder. I like food and I hate food. I wish food didn't matter.
I think I'm done for now...
~Peaches
A little bit about me first:
My parents divorced when I was 4. I became bulimic when I was 9. My uncle molested me when I was 10 until I was 13. My parents both remarried, my mom when I was 10, my dad when I was 12 I think. My mom divorced when I was 12. I became a cutter when I was 13. My mom and stepmom became pregnant 5 months from each other when I was 13. My mom got remarried shorlty after my stepmom had my brother, Adam. My mom had my brother, Jason, after I turned 14. A couple months before my 15th birthday I was hospitalized for depression, self mutalation, and suicidal tendincies and thoughts. I then went into a partial program. I was out for one week, had my birthday, and went back into a hospital again. 5 months later I was hospitalized again, then a partial program again. During my time at the partial program I admitted what my uncle did to me. I talked to a detective, they arrested my uncle after Christmas. A few months later I was hospitalized again. 2 months later I was placed in a theraputic school, I was there until halfway of my senior year. My stepmom had my sister when I was 16. My mom got divorced because her husband as abusive, the abuse started towards her, then he hit my brother. Towards the end of my senior year I had to go to trial over my uncle. It was a hung jury. 4 months later was a retrial, he was found guilty. He went to jail, a year and a half later he was aquitted. We are preparing to go to trial again. In March 2009 my boyfriend of 2 years and 8 months proposed to me! We're geting married on May 1, 2010!
__________________________________________________
So I went to the doctors today, I've been sick since the end of January. My symptoms: nausea, dizziness, light headed, headaches, tiredness. And they still don't know whats wrong. I finally told my doctor today that I'm bulimic, he's upset that I haven't been seeking treatment, so now I must and them go back to him in 6 weeks. I have high cholesterol and he wont give me a dietary recommendation until a psychologist clears me of being capable of handling a diet plan without mental repercussions. So that's that. Right now I'm nervous, I've worked so hard to get better, and kind of ignored my bulimia. I'm anxious because I feel like everything is gonna come crashing down again. I guess it's also a good thing because I've been interested in getting a nutritionist to help me have balanced meals. I just don't know how to eat right, let alone properly. I binge even when I don't purge just because I don't know how to eat normally. I managed to get purging down to a minimum, but binging is so much harder. I like food and I hate food. I wish food didn't matter.
I think I'm done for now...
~Peaches
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