So Much on my Mind...

Lately my eating disorder has been throwing it's self in my face. I haven't purged but I've started binges, the urge to purge being insane afterwards.

I've also had thoughts of cutting again, like vivid thoughts. I haven't and don't want to cut ever again, it's just a side effect of an old addiction when I'm stressed. I did start to disassociate yesterday, paired with scratching at my face, I stopped myself though. No marks.

I fear that I may have gained weight, therefore I'm avoiding weighing myself like the plague, I really don't need to fuel ED's fire.

My SAD has also been kicking my ass lately, I've been avoiding making calls to people I should have zero problems calling. It's also why I haven't written here in a while. I know it's frustrating Chris, hell it frustrates me. I wish there was away to make all my issues magically disappear, but there's not and I know it will take a lot of patience to get over them.

I'm currently lost in my brain with the fact that my dad has been talking with his birth father and may be able to meet him this week. I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me wants to meet him, partially to actually meet him and partially just for medical reasons. Then there's the part of me that doesn't want to meet him because I feel like it's replacing my grandfather. I know I'm not really replacing him, and that he will always be my Grandpop. I guess it's just dealing with the fact that after my mother's father disowning me, and my father's father dying, I was left with no grandfathers. Finding out that there's another one out there excites me, yet it scares me. There's a fifty-fifty shot that he could either be respectable like my Grandpop or a jerk like my Poppop, and I don't know if I can handle it. I know why he never contacted us, that's obvious and I am one hundred percent okay with my Grandpop decision, but I don't want to risk him eventually abandoning me like my Poppop did. I feel like I could live with only having my medical history for that side, but at the same time, I want to know so much about him. I'm at a loss right now...

I'm sorry if I rambled...

~Peaches

P.S.
My mom has been really nice lately, my dad said she's feeling nostalgic since I turned 22. It's weird, and I'm on guard. I'm afraid it'll only be like this for a little and go back to us not getting along like it usually does, but I really want it to work this time. Better late then never I guess.