Sick

I haven't been updating because I have a cold, and a couple days ago my cold sprouted an ear infection. I relized today, that when I get sick I use it as an excuse to let my mental issues run wild. I don't eat much when I'm sick, parcially because of nausea, but mostly because it's the perfect excuse not to. I have better control to not eat when I'm sick verses when I'm not. It's too difficult to not eat when I'm healthy, I don't know why though. When I'm sick I always think that it's the perfect time to loose weight. No one really questions your lack of appitite when your sick. The down side of not eating is how weak I feel, so I started eating more tonight. Mostly because I need my strenght for work, and I have a long shift tomorrow. I also need to stop doing this to myself, it's okay that my excuse to stop my bad behavior is work, as long as I continue for myself. I do want to get better, but I also fear getting better. I don't know what better is, I've been this way for so long that being better scares me. I guess that's what holds me back from everything. I need to learn to let go, and not just of myself, but of my emotions. I need to free my head of bad thoughts, i should probably start reading my optimisim book again. I need to start caring for myself again, ironically when I got sick I stopped taking all of my vitamins. You need vitamins the most when your sick, and I gave up. I think I should go back into therapy, but not with my previous therapist. I lost trust in her when she started listening to my mom about lies she was saying about Chris. I don't evem remember what my mom told her, but I do remember my therapist not liking me dating Chris because of it. I worked so much with my previous therapist, but I need someone I can trust. I guess I'll have to start looking into it, with the trial coming up I'm definately going to need one soon.

Well I'm tired, I need sleep before work tomorrow. Good night.
~Peaches

The beauty of life is to experience yourself.

Tonight's title is a quote from my Yogi Detox Tea. I think it's an awesome quote.

So today I did a few minutes of yoga, about fifteen mintues of exercise, and a few minutes of meditation. I've been feeling very icky inside so I bought some detox tea. I've just been eating so much junk lately, I think it's finally taking it's toll. I started to plan a weeks worth of meals, I have more rice milk so this should be easier. I just need to figure out various lunches, and a couple dinners. For the most part my dinners are staying open, just incase we decide on something different. Between my dinners and my last snack, I need to eat the rest of my exchanges for that day, so if I had something other than planned, I would need to change my dinner anyways. It's can get very confusing and frustrating, but I need to do it until I can learn to listen to my body.

Another short entry, I'm tired. Good night.

~Peaches

Short Entry

So I didn't do all the things I said I would today. I just did somethings on the computer and watched television. I felt too tired to do anything, I think it's partically because I haven't been taking all my vitamins. I did price things at Michael's after work, and I changed my mind on the type of bead for the bracelets I'm giving my bridal party. I also started thinking about matching necklaces and earrings. Also about possibly a different charm for each. I didn't see a flower basket I liked, and I completely forgot about looking at a guest book and pen set. Oh well, I still have to check out A.C.Moore.

Short entry as the title states, I'm very tired. Good night.

~Peaches

Self-Esteem

I've been letting my depression get to me again. It's making me lazy and I've stopped caring for myself again. I planned on starting my food exchanges again, and I haven't . I planned on exercising, but I haven't, I haven't even started yoga like I wanted. I stopped reading, which I had fallen back in love with. Out of all the things I haven't done, I did draw this amazing picture. It didn't take too long to make, but my whole heart was in it. Everytime after that I've tried to draw my heart hasn't been completely there, and it shows. I have been doing a lot of wedding related things. Mostly just getting my ideas out. I do need to start focusing back on myself though. I want to be completely satistfied with myself, and have lots of self confidence when I get married. I don't want to have anxieties on my wedding day. I just want to be happy, and relaxed. I think tomorrow I should try my zen painting. It's this board that you paint with just water while meditating, the water aborbs into the board. I think it will help me relax, plus I think I should do atleast ten minutes of yoga and a half hour of exercising. I should also work on planning to start my food exchanges again. I want to plan a weeks worth of meals, with flex room, then shop for the food. This way I'll have what I need before I start, so I don't slack due to lack of foods needed.

So, tomorrow I need to start focusing on myself again, for that I need sleep. Good night.

~Peaches

So work sucked, I thought I lost my bracelet that my grandfather gave me. Turns out I put it on my other arm. Plus some people we're getting on my nerves, as usual.

Chris and I hung out with Rikki and Joe today. We just takled and ate pizza, always a good combo. I got to relize how many people really were crazy from high school. Guess my joke about shutting down the school with all the students in it, and turning into a rehab/mental hospital for a week would've worked...

Rikki had an awesome idea, we're going to make the wedding invites and what not. It will be so much cheaper, and much more fun! She's going to look into flower prices for me, because she's awesome! I found out that the Somerville Elks Lodge caters too, which will probably be cheaper.

Need to sleep. Good night.

~Peaches

I really need to work on title ideas...

I didn't post yesterday because I was tired when I got home last night. I got to cut Rikki's hair, it didn't turn out the way she wanted it though. She wanted a scene cut, I've never done a scene cut befor, she knew this, we just decided to try it. I ultimately started the layers to low, which resulted with a really weird look. We decide to cut up to the shortest layer, and it actually turned out looking awesome. I feel bad that it wasn't what she wanted, but I'm glad she likes it anyways. I also got to give Zoshia her first haircut! It was difficult, but what else do you expect from a thirteen-month-old. We gave her food in hopes that it would desract her, but everytime I went to cut she started moving around. We ended up doing a one-two-three-hold senerio, but atlest her hair is out of her eyes.

Afterwards Chris and I went out to eat with a friend of his. We went to a diner, and ultimately had the worst server. We've been to said diner before and never had a problem. Last night, however, we had an idiot. We asked for tall glasses of water multiple times, as well as for a straw multiple times. We didn't get either untill after our appitizers, because she didn't relize we meant right away. She also almost left the table without taking my order, because she thought Chris ordered for me. We ordered the motzzerella sticks deluxe for our appitizer, which comes with fries and onion rings. Chris wanted seasoned fries, which was a dollar extra, but we never got the onion rings. I ordered a sandwich with a side of fries, because the sandwich didn't come with anything. Somehow I also got cole slaw, which I don't eat. When we got the check Chris also got his food wrapped, which she did right at the table, dropped the fork and left it on the floor. Needless to say, we didn't tip her, and I'm pretty sure she didn't get much from her other tables.

Today Chris and I relaxed mostly. For dinner we went to Rockin' Joe's, a very awesome coffe house. I got my tuna salad sandwich that I have been craving! I really enjoy going there, it's very relaxing and we can end up just talking about so much. On our way home we were discussing what we still need to do for the wedding. Now that we've made changes tht list has become much bigger, so when we got home we wrote it all down. Tomorrow I'm going to show Rikki the list and see if she has more to add, she's practically my wedding planner. This Thursday we're attending this registry workshop at Macy's to see the kinds of things we should ask for. Since we don't have a place yet, and don't think we'll have one before the wedding, we're going to need a decent amount of stuff. We have decided that all monetary gifts will go towards getting our own place. We figure there's a chance of duplicate items, becuse some people may forget to check them off the registry, so duplicate items will be exchanged for things we still need. Beside, it looks like I have money I can save now. I have been paying a $200 bill on top of other bills each month, and i'm pretty sure I paid it off! So that extra money will got towards the wedding and what not, after playing off other bills. As well as getting my class ring (I lost my origonal) and taking my cats to the vet to update their shots. Also towards saving for a car, now that the holiday season is ariving I should be getting more hours.

Speaking of work, I have work tomorrow, so I should get some sleep. Good night.

~Peaches

I actually got some sleep finally!! I randomly woke up at some random hour, I think it was when Chris came to bed. Then I woke up because my cat, Dimond, was annoyingly trying to get in between us. I woke up again when Chris was getting up for work. Then again at 9am to go to the bathroom, I decided to eat my little bag of animal crackers and take my vitamins. Finally I offically woke up at 12pm, so I got more sleep than I have been.

I just relized that I haven't taken my vitamins the other two times I was supposed to today. Not nessacarily bad for the ginko biloba, but bad for the mood support/St. John's Wort. That's like missing doses of perscription anti-depressants, not good. It's weird that I tend to for get things I do everyday, on days I don't work.

I made Rikki cookies today. Tomorrow I get to cut her's and Zoshia's hair. I'm excited because I'm pretty sure it will be Zoshia's first hair cut, which makes me feel special.

I drew today! I'm very proud of it and myself. It looks awesome, I'll be posting it on my DeviantArt account tomorrow when I get home from work.

Well I need to go to sleep now. Good night.

~Peaches

Sleep

So, I am extremely tired, but my brain wont stop running a-mile-a-minute. It's quite annoying. I would like to try meditating to clear my thoughts, however it's actually not good to meditate before you go to sleep. The same goes for yoga. So here I am typing a blog, even though being in front of a bright screen prior to bed is also not good. Atleast I don't have work tomorrow, and my only plans are baking cookies and making a pendant. I do not need to be awake untill 1ish really, but i do need to be up long enough to take my vitamins. I usually wake around 9am no matter what, so I figure I'll have some animal crackers and take my vitamins. Now why wouldn't I just take then when I offically wake up? Well, see the mood support/St. John's Wort and the ginko biloba need to be taken three times a day. There for I need to take them whether or not I actually want to be up so that the doses are spaced.
I am very tired, so I'm going to try and sleep now. Good night.
~Peaches

I didn't post yesterday because I was exhausted when I came home last night. I wanted to nap when I came home but I had a doctor appointment. Now I'm hungry because Chris's mom is cooking and it smells yummy, yet I have no idea what she made.


Chris and I hung out with some friends yesterday after I got out of work. It was fun, I was just extremely tired...


I've been looking up scene haircuts for Rikki, I'm cutting her hair on Friday, as well as Zoshia's bangs.


I was listening to the radio today and heard about an adoption law that's trying to be passed in New Jersey. The law is about letting adopted people, or parents of an adopted minor, get access to their original birth records to find out who their birth parents are. I believe they shouldn't, I mean would you really want to find out you were put up because you were the product of rape, or your mom was a druggie, or that your birth family didn't want you. What if your birth parents don't want to meet you, it was probably hard for them to put you up in the first place. I believe the law should allow access to health records, that should be kept up to date. You should only be able to find your birth parents if they want to meet you. they should put an option in the paper work about whether or not the birth parent would like to come in contact with the child in the future. When I found out that my grandfather adopted my dad I decided I don't really care if I ever meet his birth father, but I would be interested in medical records. Especially once I start having kids. A lot of times people go looking for their birth parents once they get some illness that is genetic/hereditary, if medical records are supplied they wouldn't have to disrupt their birth parents lives.


I know i just kind of stopped, my thoughts are a bit choppy right now. Side effect of tiredness...


~Peaches

Hiking

Today was a very good day! My supervisor was off so I didn't have to deal with her, plus she"s off tomorrow! Chris and I went hiking with Rikki, Joe and Zoshia at Washington Valley Park. We had a lot of fun, with the exception of Zoshia getting cranky. We think it"s because we had to carry her the whole time and she wanted to walk. We hiked for about two hours, it didn't feel that long. Then we hung out at Rikki"s for a little bit. Rikki and I climbed a tree! It was awesome. I'm usually too anxious to do anything like that, but I put my anxieties on the side for Rikki. I"m proud of myself, I really just need to learn to let go. Chris and I are planning on hiking most weekends, until it"s too cold out. We enjoyed it, and it didn't bother his need.


This is just a quick post, because I don't have much to post about but I want to post everyday. I have work tomorrow, then we"re gonna hang out with some friends.
~Peaches

Blank

I've noticed that I've run out of blog titles...


I decided on a list of things I need to start doing:
1. Drawing. I want to complete one drawing a week, and use the whole week to do so. I have a habbit of doing things to quickly and then my work suffers. I'm going to get a friend of mine to give me a drawing task each week and then I will email her the final project and if she feels I didn't put enough effort into it, then she gets to make me do it over.
2. I need to start the food exchanges again, but this time with meal plans. Each week I will plan my meals, and if I don't have what I need then I'll have to go to the store. No excuses this time.
3. Exercise. Not just because I want to be in shape, but because it will help with my mood. I do feel that the mood support mix and St. John's Wort are helping, just not enough. Plus exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy.
4. Get some sun. Not for tanning purposes, but for my mood. Vitamin D helps with depression, but the best way is via sunlight. It absorbs better through your skin then taking it internally. So a 30 minute walk everyday should be perfect.
5. Yoga. I'm honestly not sure why I stopped, I felt really good when I was doing it everyday. Plus I need to try meditating.
6. Daily blogging. I think the more I blog the less I will have constant thoughts running through my head. It's so bad that I can't sleep right now, hence this entry. I have to be at work for 6am, but I can't sleep...
7. Relaxing. I don't know how, but I need to relax everyday, even if it's onlly for 5 minutes.
8. Take care of myself. I really don't do well at taking care of myself, especially not long term. That's really what this list is for, things I need to do to take care of myself. If I take better care of myself then maybe my depression will get better. I know that I am prone to getting depressed for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that, as long as I can get myself out of it. I'm sure that if I can take care of myself when I'm depressed that it will be easier to get better.


Well I'm going to try and sleep, I have work, than hiking tomorrow so sleep would be good.
~Peaches

Sorry for the short post earlier, Chris came home so I stopped. I know I don't need to stop doing things when he comes home, I know he wouldn't have cared if I stayed on longer. I know this is all in my head and I shouldn't do this to myself, I just don't know how to stop. I guess in a way I'm controling what I do, which isn't good because that is an eating disorder behavior.


Speaking of eating disorders, I've been feeling rather self concious about my weight lately. I was contemplating going back to my eating disordered ways. I know that's no good. I gave myself excuses not too, it's probibly the only good time for my excuses. I want to get better and to not worry about these thoughts, and I know it's a process, a long process. I've just always liked fast results, which is part of the attraction to eadting disorders. I hate that bad things are easier...

I'm actually going to break out of my shell tomorrow night and play poker with Chris. Every Thursday he plays poker with friends, I usually go when I have Friday off, but I never play. Well tomorrow I'm gonna play, it'll be a step forward to letting go, a big accomplishment for me.


I'm stopping here, one of my cats is being annoying right now...

~Peaches

So I've realized a couple things recently:
1. I really need a car, I can occupy my time better when I have my own way of getting around. Chris's Dad is home and can drive me places, but I feel bad, he shouldn't have to drive me anywhere.
2. I don't allow myself to do much of anything when people are home. I started to notice this a while ago, I wont cook anything elaborate, I wont bake much. I wont paint, I wont sing, I wont dance, I rarely exorcise, and I cautious about what I watch. I don't allow myself any freedoms really, and I have no idea why. What I do know is that I've been this way since middle school. My mom had divorced her second husband and was working two jobs to keep the house, and my grandma moved in. I'd come home from school, allow myself to do anything, then my grandma would come home and I'd stop doing everything, I'd just watch T.V. Then my mom got pregnant and the father (her third husband) moved in and my grandma moved out. My mom quit her second job, and all of a sudden there was people all the time. So I'd either watch T.V. or go online. I did this all through high school, except I stopped coming home after school, but my mom always picked me up on her way home. Even around my friends I don't allow myself to relax and just be myself. Chris has never seen me let go, it's just annoying.


~Peaches